Mike Sinkovich Tells You How It Is

For Everyone Who Said I Was Crazy.....

Do you believe me now?

Am I The Only One Still Awake?

So I spend a lot of time shouting at things. Newspapers, computer monitors. You, probably, if you stepped infront of me or I caught you holding a copy of that Jeremy Clarkson video. If it was the latter you're lucky you can read this, a lead pipe to the head usually detaches retinas.

Sometimes, however, I don't shout, I shake. I shake like a dog shitting papaya seeds while pointing, mouth clenched in rage, at the television/paper/medium that just told me the biggest pile of shit I have ever heard, in a tone that suggests I would be crazy to think otherwise. After I shake I make a noise. I make a noise like a dog being rapidly inflated with one of those F1 compressed air guns (if you don't know what that sounds like, don't get too curious, it's fucking hard to get a dog into an F1 pit, and even harder to get dog-bits out of a flame-retardent suit. No I'm not a "dog person").

One such moment happened last Tuesday, at work no less. Taking a quick tea-break I was catching up on the events of the day via various online news pages, when I read this article. Go on, have a little shufty. I'll wait here.

You didn't read it did you, you'd rather read this cause it might have the word fuckspasm in it. Well if you bothered to read it you may have noticed the following quote....

Notice the (not so) deliberate mistake? Yeah you got, don't be afraid just say it loud and clear with me, war purely for regime change..... is illegal.

So wow, let's see. If the reasons they say now are the wrong ones, what were they saying when they needed our backing (or to turn our backs)? How about this gem....

or this one....

Holeesheeyaat. I remember now, all that wmd shit right!? For months, and months, and months you couldn't turn a TV on, open a paper, flick on the radio, pop the toaster or take a shit without hearing someone scream "weapons.....of....mass.....DESTRUCTIONARRRRRGGGHHHFUCKWEREALLEDEAD!!!" and now, well now they're not too keen on them. No sireee. If you were to walk into a pub right now, approach the nearest person with a paper, sit down next to them and say...

"Hey, have they found those weapons of mass destruction yet?"

it would be considered the equivalent of running upto someone with....

"ohmygodyou haaaave to see this. Check this out yeah? It's called an iPod right? right? Watch this..."

But why? We were promised them. We were scared with them. They waved the threat around like it was an inevitability. It was a monumental claim that had to be backed up, and now they want us to shut up about them? Fuck that!

When nothing happened, Blair came out with critic-silencing statements like....

I'm still waiting Tony.

Free And Dead, Or Controlled And Safe?

In what has become a heated debate universally agreed political move among the UK's subjects citizens and politicians alike, the Prime Minister today addressed the nation regarding the latest, subtly titled 'Terror' bill.

Mr Blair, who recently passed legislation dictating stating that he should be addressed as "Big Blair", citing what some have called draconian punishments should he be referred to by any other name, made the following baffling statement:

"What do we fear comrades? We fear the Terrorists who are everywhere, highly trained...despite failing to detonate one in 6 bombs...and they want to kill you and everyone. They are everywhere. Killing. Everywhere...

...What can we do comrades? We must pass my latest bill that will help us catch the terrorists by enabling us to detain them for 90 days once we have caught them. Do not cling too tightly to your civil liberties, this is what the terrorists are hoping for. We must sacrifice your our freedom or we will have lost to the terrorists who don't want us to be free."

Meanwhile the Home Secretary and soon-to-be head of the newly mysterious, but unilaterally agreed as important 'Ministry of Truth', had this ominous statement to make:

"Ignorance is strength, and I'm counting on the strength of the public to stand to one side and watch the Labour Party maintain their safety and prevent any more of these evil do-ers to do-er any more evil with our doubleplusgood 'Terror' bill."

Meanwhile in other news, a young man trapped living in an increasingly right-wing town outside London was reported as being highly agitated about the number of mentally stable people left in the country.

According to police reports filed shortly after the citizen was arrested, the man became increasingly frustrated by the fact that everyone seems to be convinced that the recent war was started in order to remove one well known dictator from power and not, as the young man claimed was the real reason, for something he called "weapons of mass destruction". Shortly after his public outburst, witnesses claimed he ran through the streets yelling "wake up you mewing idiots" and "why can't you see what they're doing you fucking retards" at members of the public.

Police have yet to release the young man, claiming he had been arrested under the Terrorism Act and would be disappeared detained for the newly implemented 90 days.

The Ministry of Truth has conducted an enquiry into the young man's claims regarding the reasons behind the war, but no mention of these "weapons of mass destruction" was found. The public have claimed they have no recollection either, but feel safe.

Freedom You Say? Well While We're On The Subject

I'd be tempted to crack a September 11th joke if I didn't find America's complete ignorance as to why it happened amusement enough. Anyone care to look at the good ol' US of A's foreign policy for the last, well let's say 50 years? The shock isn't the destruction of a western monolith and the murder of several thousand civilians, it's that it didn't happen earlier.

But let's not dwell on the past. No there are only painful lessons, humility and understanding to be learnt so bollocks to that, let's make another massive tower !

And what better name to stamp this defiant and, well, tasteless piece of architecture with? Well what are we currently raining down across the middle east with the bullets, rockets, shells and grenades? That's right, freedom. Good old freedom for everyone, unless you don't agree with us in which case you're in line for a slice of our freedom. It's different to yours, it comes with a free Mc Donalds, Starbucks and the ability to vote yourself a leader from a selection of officials we will put in place for you.

But wait, doesn't this whole, knock-em-down and set them back up again tactic for the trade towers give you the feeling  the new "Freedom Tower" should  have a more relevant architectural form? Maybe something like....

....I think we can all agree that my design is much better than some pointy glass piece of modern "I'll just use my set-square" shit. It has the added bonus of being immune to aircraft collisions, bar a giant flying bowling ball. I'm no physicist but the last time I checked, sphere's aren't too great at sustained flight.

My genius doesn't stop there though. Since we're talking the whole celebration of freedom jive, why don't we build some more monuments to honour the struggle of ordinary people against foreign suppression? I'm thinking maybe.....

.... a statue of the famous Vietcong prisoner being executed by a south Vietnamese policeman. Nothing says "fight for freedom" than that image, plus every thirty minutes a charge goes off in the giant statue's gun and a fuckload of blood sprays out the side of the POW's head. I would be first in line to get my photo next to that, and I doubt I would be the only one. Imagine the tourist trade increase! Not to mention the jobs required to service it, reload the gun, re-fill the blood tank.

I should be getting medals for this crap.

Breaking News: No-one Can Afford To Go Anywhere Anymore

"Hi, I'm Ken Livingstone. You may know me as Red Ken, or even by my more popular alias 'Lying, Money Grabbing, Government Cock Sucking, Smug Cunt'. You may remember when I first introduced my genius Congestion Charge scam, I mean scheme, around London. I told everyone that it would be for a trial period, and the fee would not be increased for at least another 10 years....

....well guess what fuckbrains, I looked at how much money we're making and popped my very own Big Ben under my £1000 suit trousers. I want more of your money, more more more. So fuck what I said before, the fee just went up. Oh and we're expanding it to greater London too. Kiss your car goodbye."

"Hi, I'm Tony Blair, but you can call me Uncle Tony, why don't you come sit on my lap and I can slip my greasy filth rod of sleazy taxation up your sweet consumer ass. That's right, give it up for Uncle T.....

....you see, I too have realised how much money I can rip out of your miserable hands. I know what you're thinking and no, the extra 1% on national insurance won't cut it. Neither will the insane stamp duty I put in place, or the sphincter-loosening fuel tax (which remains despite the fact I currently occupy the worlds biggest oil supply).

No, to be honest with you I'm pissed. All you fuckers got rich with that stupid property boom, and I was so busy sliding Bush's sweet southern man giblets down my throat that I couldn't get my sordid little fingers on any of it. So here's the deal. I'm going to invade your personal privacy, against every human right I am going to effectively bug your car so my government can track your every move via-satellite. No wait, it gets better.

You pay a tax for every mile you drive. Pay as you go phone, pay as you go roads, it's a modern solution to reducing green house gasses. Oh and it's going to cost absolutely fuckloads more than the tax you pay right now. It wouldn't be so bad if I were going to improve public services, but I've got my eye on an Olympic stadium I've been after ever since the wheel was finished."

"Hi, I'm George Muir. You probably don't know me but I'm technically an extortionist. No I don't bend into knots, I fuck peoples money out of their asses and into my slimy pocket. It doesn't matter if I fuck up because guess what, if I get fired I get more money than I make in a year....

...I've been rinsing money off of your rail network, paying my six figure salary and throwing in bonuses whenever I fucking feel like it and it has recently come to my attention that the government is forcing everyone off the roads, the last affordable and reliable transport system. I can't get enough of your money so just to confuse this whole "get rid of your car" thing, I'm going to put a congestion charge on the trains.
That's right, if you want to travel on my crappy old trains that randomly crash every now and again you're going to have to do it during off-peak hours or pay me shitloads more money. I am going to hell"

 

 

 

Someone wake me when the revolution starts.

Mike Solves The Election For You

It's always a confusing affair, voting. Who to chose, who to back, who do you ultimately give your vote to and say "don't fuck it up tough guy". Well don't fret kids, uncle Mike is here to help you decide.

Just read the statements, and whichever one you answer "fuck yeah bro, that's the shit right there nizzay fo' shizzaaaaaaay" then the party below is who you should vote for. Don't worry, I won't judge you.

But everyone else will.

1) "The war was full on, hand on the bible, balls out of the bath, legal. Bollocks to all you pansy lefties, get on the democracy waggon and lets go spread some freedom, yeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!!"

- Wow, it appears you were born on the wrong side of the pond there John Wayne, as much as I admire your large scrotum of testosterone and courage, I don't really want to get mine shot off so you can feel like a man. But hey, since you're here, may I suggest Labour ?

2) "Now, I'm not racist but...."

- Let me stop you right there, Kilroy. Do you hanker for the old days when it was okay to laugh at the "darkies"? When there was nothing but a bit of harmless fun in pelting the local cornershop with bricks and shouting "go home ya scum"? Well guess what, you can still pretend that you're not a racist freak and vote BNP ! That's right, you can brother up with your racist.....sorry...patriotic buddies and sing Jerusalem without appreciating the hilarious irony. Oh and, get the fuck off my page you Nazi.

3) "I rake in a six figure sum for a job that would not be missed, I don't see why I should pay more tax than someone earning 40,000 just so the NHS can not be the shithole it has become. I mean, I can go private, fuck, I do go private. Anything than mix with the commoners. Oh and I bought my idiot childs way into an overpriced elitist school"

- Why buck the trend.......prick

4) "I have no idea man, all these lying fucks are the same, but I don't want to be a waste of fucking space and not vote. Surely there's someone I can vote for that will negate me from taking any social responsibility when the winning party turn around and fuck the country into the ground for their own personal gain?"

- Step this way,sir

5) "Save the whale.....man"

- fucking hippie, you gunna save the world on your C4? No, I didn't think so. Fuck off and get a real job.

6) "What election...."

- save me the time

The Sweet Balance Of The Justice Scales

Perusing the various crappy stories in the press you can only get when there's an election coming (royal wedding.....yawn....Michael Jackson's a paedo.....shock me) I found an update of a story I read a long time ago where this 66 year old woman had her house raided and was taken to court for growing cannabis and cooking it for herself and friends. Now, I've seen a lot of strange things but a room full of stoned pensioners...I would pay to see.

Anyway, it struck me as a bit excessive to raid a pensioners house....twice, I mean I doubt she's doing to be "packing heat" and screaming for the fuzz to say hello to her little friend. But as always, the coppers love to take advantage of the weak and they especially enjoy taking down criminals who present no danger to their safety in any way whatsoever. Well I guess you could step on a colostomy bag, get sprayed with old person shit and catch some horrible disease.

So they followed up the story, and apparently some pompous fucking judge who is probably so old he's lost control of all his mental faculties bar the ability to string a sentence together, was there to pass judgement on her from his lofty self-righteous heights of judge-hood before driving to his massive Knightsbridge home in his £80,000 car, prodding his wifes labia with his wrinkly, pale, half-flaccid cock and passing out. Your honour.

After shouting at my monitor for a few minutes I continued to read the rest of the news stories and came across this little gem of news.

First of all lets look at mugshots shall we?

Fuck me, I'm assuming they didn't get these photos from their Mensa applications. Two brainless fucking dolts, incapable of getting a job and working for a living instead decide that the cash loophole everyone is ignorant to is robbing really old people. A round of applause please for the two most immoral pricks in the world, congratulations guys, not only are you such complete pussies you can't commit a real crime with guns, banks and a hardcore police chase, you have to rob a 105 year old woman instead. Did you rock on down to the local nursery afterwards to mix it up with a four year old? Did you learn him a lesson with a steel pipe? Yeah, you 'ard man you. Jesus christ, I've got more respect for kids who steal hubcaps and smoke crack off them.

The judge in this case, in all his wisdom, gave them four years. Down you go guys, lock the door and throw away the........four years? Hold the phone there Judge Fuckface, four fucking years? Since everyone gets let out after half their sentence unless you stab someone in the showers....sorry sorry....unless you stab a white man in the showers, they'll be out in two.

Meanwhile the dope eating grandma is threatened with 6 months imprisonment and a fine, nice work guys, the streets are safe again from evil self medicating natural herb user. Just remember to lock your doors because, well you know those guys who go around smashing in pensioners houses? Yeah you remember, they caved your nans skull in while she was sleeping....well they got time off for good behaviour.....and we housed them next door to you.....and they pay about a third of the council tax you do. Yeah we found it funny too.

What is the moral of the story? Well it's obvious isn't it, growing and using your own cannabis is 1/4 as bad as stealing a 105 year old lady's life savings and smashing her house up.

I should be a fucking lawyer.

Ikea: Flat Pack To Die For

I fucking hate Ikea. I hate everything it has and stands for. Yes I own a bed from Ikea, but it took that one purchase for me to realise how shit they are. You have to walk through everything to get to what you want, as if you're going to buy a new kitchen on impulse on your way to the bedding section.

Not only that they will sell you items that they don't have in stock, and when you ask why this could happen, and what they are going to do about it you get the usual "the system usually does this, you will have to come back next week" well sorry candypants but I don't fancy driving back to Croydon ever again for the rest of my life, let alone next week just on the off chance that you have got your retarded asses in gear enough to actually stock half the things you sell.

My amusement this morning was two fold, as checking the BBC news site I first saw a story about five people being crushed at the opening of the new Ikea store in Edmonton. You bunch of mewing consumer cattle, what the fuck are you doing? You're going to kill each other so you can buy some second rate piece of shit furniture, because it will elevate your crappy lives above the other tens of millions of people who own exactly the same stuff, just enough for you to forget you live in Edmonton? Let them fucking kill each other in the car park, I don't care. (full story here)

Some of the details in the report were just a depressing insight into the state of mankind...

"one woman "pushed her way forward screaming with excitement" then the crowd rushed in through the doors"

...who in their right mind screams with excitement at the thought of buying discount Ikea items? They should have caved her skull in with flat-packs for being the definition of everything that is fucked up with this country. They should hire me, I would stand by the doors and happily fuck up anyone getting excited about going to Ikea.

After laughing my ass off at the "horror death crush" in Edmonton I checked the middle east news to see how many people have died in Iraq today (it's incredible I can actually say that, but don't worry, they've had elections so everything is fine now) and I almost soiled myself with laughter when I saw another Ikea stampede  story.

These fucking idiots are everywhere, only these guys were a little more hardcore than the Edmonton lot, actually killing three people to get their $150 vouchers. You bunch of fucktards, you just got killed for a $150 voucher, cash would be bad enough, but a voucher?
Does this mean if I get about £80 of smiths vouchers and offer it at the end of a tiny alley I could actively reduce the number of idiots in the world?

I don't see what the problem is, let these fuckers kill each other. I mean, if they're willing to walk on each other for these shitty products, why don't we get Ikea to sponsor a national deathmatch? Come on we could spend the Olympic bid money on a giant thunderdome, get Ikea to put thousands of pounds of free shit in as the prize and open the doors. Spectator tickets cost £1 and you get a free hand grenade to throw in whenever you like.

Hmmm, the same old boring Olympic competition to see who can make the best undetectable performance enhancing drug......or the worlds biggest deathmatch....

Police: Timewasters

NWA were on the right lines (even if they expressed it with all the articulation of a twelve year old chav) with "fuck tha pole-ece". What a bunch of retarded macho scumbags on a power trip, dodging any confrontation with actual crime, preferring to smash the shit out of civilians committing highly dangerous crimes such as...

- walking home while drunk
- looking at a policeman
- being drunk and looking at a policeman
- trying not to look at a policeman

and my personal favourite

- being drunk and shouting at a policeman that you have 12oz of crack on your person

...or if they can't even be fucked to do that, they can just sit by a road and catch people screaming along in their cars at a face melting 35mph. Fuck yeah they earn their pay. Yup, protected and safe with those fine law enforcement agents patrolling the streets, always there when your car gets vandalised or you get robbed.

Funny, then, that on a bus ride similar to a slow moving cattle truck to hades filled with screaming kids and the obligatory 'care in the community' patients, we stopped at Surbiton station to see there were over ten police officers waiting. Hoping a disturbingly violent crime would unfold in front of the plexi-glass I studied the scum pigs to see what they were up to.

The answer soon became apparent when three annoyingly happy people got onboard to check tickets. Rush hour, on a bus that was so full it had to refuse any more passengers for the last three stops, and they want to clamber over everyone to check that no-one had.....jesus can you imagine....had jumped the....oh the horror....one pound twenty bus fare?

Between my head being forced into someones armpit and some happy fucking faced twatbag asking me for my ticket I noticed that the coppers weren't doing anything. They were just stood there watching the bus, dribble gently sliding from their drunken rugby fan grins onto their face stomping boots. No, that's ridiculous, they can't be waiting for someone to not have a ticket. There's butloads of the fuckers, for a one pound twenty theft? That's crazy, right?

Step in Arnie for a big fat "Wrong" as before my eyes some little chav was hauled off the bus and thrown to the fuzz. As the bus pulled away I caught a last glimpse of him being frisked down and booked. Fuck yeah guys, excellent police work there, the nation is so much safer now that one person who refused to pay Ken's extortionate fare increase has been banged to rights.

Police are fucking time wasters who will not help you when any crime is committed against you, but will get in your face whenever you are just going about your day, and I have never seen anything to change my opinion of this.

Got your back Dre. Fuck tha pole-ece. Word, wessiiiee, and other ghetto/urban things.

You're Not Funny, Anyone Can Be Shocking

I've generally avoided passing any comment on the tsunami disaster, since everyone is aware of it and no-one likes to be told what moral standing to make, and that means you Osbourne's, fuck off and stop telling me to give more money to the DEC. Maybe it's the government who have refused to match the money raised by the public (122,000,000 pounds last time I checked) who should put up with their constant bitching. Pipe that shit into number 10 on a constant loop, they'll either cough up the cash or kill themselves. Either way we win.

What has pissed me off recently, is dim-witted morons attempting to pass themselves off as funny by posting jokes that have all the wit of a brain dead three year old. I personally believe comedy doesn't have boundaries, if a joke makes you laugh before you have time to realise you shouldn't have, then I don't care, laugh it up.
What is just embarrassing is fucking idiots making "shocking" remarks for the sake of being offensive. A similar technique to a small child clamouring for attention by exposing themselves and defecating on the living room floor.
If you're going to make controversial jokes, I'm all ears, but make them better than...

"Why did she [Miss Thailand] lose the beauty pageant?  Because she was a naked bloated corpse floating in filthy water.  Yikes!"

(the full post is here )

Wow fuckface you've just displayed less cerebral activity than a PE teacher. Congratulations you've just become another indisputable reason why America should be wiped out and started again under our rule.
And you used the word "'yikes", just for that all food and oxygen privileges should be removed, effective immediately. Good luck dying shitbrain.

I don't know why I'm surprised, from a country that is so wrapped up in it's own self-righteous existence I should really expect this kind of crap. But considering they've elected a man who could be outwitted by a sick-bag....twice, you would have thought they would avoid bringing attention to themselves.

Any population that needs to be prompted to donate money to relief efforts for one of the biggest natural disasters in modern history forfeits any right to comment on it. Observe....

"People dying over there in Sri Lanka or whatever. Fifty thousand people. Big deal. In America, that many people die from car accidents each year. You don't see America declaring a national state of emergency over it and begging other countries for money."

(original article quoted here )

I think that the national emergency is more than just the death toll. When you die in a car accident, your house, village, lively-hood, and possessions don't disappear and get replaced with mounds of rubble and bodies. He is right on one thing, I don't see America declaring a national state of emergency and "begging" for money. I do however see America stomping around the planet sticking their fat fucking money-grabbing noses into every other goddamn country telling them how they should live their lives and shooting everyone else who doesn't agree. This guys arrogance is truly breath-taking if not scary.

I know for a fact that there are intelligent Americans out there, so if you're one of them, please can you just pick up a gun and shoot these giant sacks of vaginal discharge? I'd appreciate it.

Stop Worrying And Take Advantage

So the Blair vs. Brown debate has kicked off, again. These two are like an old married couple arguing over who gets the last hemorrhoid suppository, when everyone else just wants them to shut-up and die so they can start going through their valuables and collecting their inheritance.

But there's an obvious bonus to the whole situation that no-one seems to have picked up on except me, (seems to be a running trend here). While the bastards are arguing over who actually runs the country, let's take them for everything we can.
Like two parents in a legal battle over custody of child, they will both do their best to come across as the "good guy" in order to be the child's favourite parent. Any half-intelligent kid with questionable morals will use the situation to play the adults off each other, and get whatever the fuck they want.

So here's what I propose. As a nation we collectively write a letter to Mr Brown saying something along the lines of...

"Dear Mr Brown,
We think you rock the casbah and you are obviously the real bad-boy on the Downing Street block. We will back you in any move you make for the power seat, and are willing to organise  demonstrations or even riots if necessary.
However, not everyone is open to this idea. We feel a large majority of the public would be willing to help your bid for control if they saw cuts in petrol prices, 2005 declared a national paid holiday, spiderman costumes as new police uniforms, council tax abolished and maybe even mandatory free booze for every 30 minutes spent in a pub.
We wish you good luck in the imminent ass-kicking. See you when you are PM.

Sincerely,

The Public.

P.S. Blair said your mum will take it up the wrongen for crack."

If we stick this picture on the end, he's guaranteed to flip out and do everything he can to keep us all happy.

So we all go down the pub and get all pissed up on the free booze for a few weeks while we let Blair sweat it out and Brown think he has the upper-hand.
After a while we can go one of two ways, either write another letter to Brown telling him that he is so close to getting the whole country behind him and some more recommendations of what will get him there.
Or we move onto Blair and have some more fun...

"Dear Mr Blair,

We are sorry to see your recent public-opinion polls take a decline reminiscent of Rod Hull after fixing an aerial. We do feel however, that the public would be more willing to back you in another term should you prove yourself as a "man of the people".
May we suggest a national broadcast of Chris Tarrant being raped in the arse by gorilla, Steve Redgrave being forced to eat dog shit at gunpoint or (and we feel this would do your public image a world of good) bitchslapping George Dubya live on US TV. Of course feel free to add personal touches to any of these suggestions (I'd recommend kicking GW in the balls, then bitchslapping).

We wish you much luck in the up-coming elections, really hope you get those votes. Sorry to hear about your tiny cock too (that's what Brown said in a press conference he called while you were asleep, anyway).

Sincerely,

The Public."

As before we add a little "doctored" picture just to enrage the balding badboy, then it's back to the pub for more free booze while we watch some of the greatest TV in the history of everything ever. I can almost hear Stevie sobbing through a mouthful of greasy dog shit, and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

So there it is. The situation is there to make 2005 the best year ever, and finally make the politicians our entertainment bitches. Tell your friends.

More Meat For The Meat Grinder? I Got 'Em Right Here

Oh poor old Mr Blair, all that money, all those badly constructed lies, all that hair receded from the badly hidden guilt. And now the meat grinder is running short of meat. He can't catch a break, poor ball-faced bastard.

Well I've figured out a way to get the bodies required for the onward "march of democracy" or as I like to call it "get the oil", in eyerack (for the bush-ites out there).

Mike's War Role-Call

The population of the UK is, give or take 58,789,194.

According to the Department of Trade and Industry (DTI) for the year 2000, injuries from plastic bottles, yeah plastic bottles, was 0.014% of the population. We've all been there, running down to the shop, all excited about getting a bottle of 'pop'. You pay the clerk, and run home to enjoy your frosty-sweet beverage. You strain, twisting the ribbed cap to release the cool fizzy nectar....suddenly you come to, strip lighting scrolling through your view as the doctors slam the gurney through another set of swing doors and shout at each other....

"Jesus christ, and it was only a 330ml you say? Jesus I've never seen one this bad, holy fuck someone stop the bleeding, it's coming from his ass, christ"

....I don't think so. You put yourself in casualty with a plastic bottle? You retard. I hope you tan well because it's off to the desert you go.

Plastic bottle injury retards shipped out for the big one:

8,600

Well the money saved from the NHS not having to treat the bottle idiots will pay for the war effort. Plus, if they can do that with a bottle, weapons will be a lot cheaper, just give the dick heads aerosols and they'll turn it into another Somme.

Also according to the DTI, 0.035% of the population injured themselves while shopping.....at home. I take that as they either fell off the chair trying to buy something online, or the Avon lady had one person too many not return her catalogue, flipped out and attacked them with a novelty banana hook in the shape of a palm tree.
Either way, if you fell off a chair so badly you had to go to casualty, or you can't defend yourself from an Avon lady (or you want an Avon catalogue that badly) you've just won a free holiday, with guns...

Better not try and order your body armour online:

1,968

Okay, a little better, we're getting there.

Now, the DTI also says that an incredible 1.19% of the population took themselves out of the game while performing "basic needs", namely using the shitter and washing. Wow.
But before we round them all up, slap a pack on them and show them the way to Baghdad, let's make sure they'll be some use.

From statistics collected from eRiposte, apparently 7.5% of the population are over 75 years old. Now, I don't think injuring yourself while carrying out "basic needs" is acceptable, but I can see it happening if you're old.
So let's say that of the 1.19% that are the crapper-casualties, 7.5% of those are over 75 and can be let off. Besides they can't move fast enough in a war zone, and would only be useful for mine-detection...

Now you can serve your country and stop stealing our oxygen:

701,158

Not bad, not bad at all. That puts our total at 711,726. But hey, I can see one last group that just has to get on the war waggon.

Before the war kicked off, polls showed that 10% of the UK population were unilaterally for a war, before any UN resolution was even considered. Amazingly that is about the same number of Sun readers there are in the UK. Convenient.
Anyway, these fuckers wanted war that badly? Well let's get them out there and in the shit.

Media-controlled-twatfaces, now is your time:

5,878,919

Holy shit, we hit the motherload. That racks our total up to 6,590,645.

Well, there it is, the solution was staring us in the face all that time. I'm going to email this to Mr Blair then it's on to Buckingham palace for my OBE. Shit I almost forgot...

Steve Redgrave:

1

Final Total: 6,590,646

That's better.

Police Notice: Crime Is Your Fault

Recently there's been a barrage of "public announcement" style (for want of a better word) adverts, informing me of truly world shattering facts such as...

"Don't leave the windows open in your house when you leave"

"Don't stand in the street at night with your mobile out, flashing it around and shouting "my phone fucking ROCKS dude, it's worth like, hundreds of pounds, man if anyone stole this thing I'd...." "

and the real gem in the shit-crown....

"lock your car"

Well, wow, I feel so much safer now. Thanks.

My first problem with these notices is that they are more or less saying if you stay indoors, don't own anything (or just keep it hidden if you do) and barricade yourself from the rest of the world then crime will drop.

Taken literally, this is true but if good 'ol George Dubya announced tomorrow that to win the "War on Terror" the entire of western civilization was going to become Muslim, I doubt there would be victory parade's and street parties. Although considering America's incredible ability to convince themselves otherwise *cough* Vietnam *cough*.......

Okay maybe I'm just picking up the wrong message from these "public announcements" here, but that's what I'm getting, and I blame that on whatever marketing monkey came up with the idea.
My second problem with these things is that the public is being blamed for being victims of crime. According to these messages, if you get robbed it was your fault, tough fucking luck buddy you shouldn't have used your mobile phone in public, don't you know that owning something of value means you deserve to get robbed?

I wouldn't mind so much if the police did.......anything half fucking useful. You can get done for driving 36mph in a 30 at 2am but if you get assaulted in the street the police do sweet fuck all.
The really stupid part is the police shows on cable (and I watch a lot of this shite) are supposed to show the hard working men and women of Britain's police force squaring up against the crime ridden streets. What they really show is the occasional fight break up, arresting drunk people, and arresting people with a bag of weed so small you could get bigger head rushes off a fast bus ride.

Meanwhile we get told by government announcements that we're fucked, crime is now something that you should assimilate into your lifestyle....

"Don't advertise your 'phone to thieves,
keep it hidden"

Well excuse the fuck out of me for thinking that it was the job of the police to stop people sticking a screwdriver between my ribs outside a pub and nicking my 'phone.

My steel box for me to live in, with a small slot in the front for social interaction is on order.